census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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