yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize