i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
