She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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