don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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