I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
