I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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