yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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