Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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