When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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