your parents love me but you hate me
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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