wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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