marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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