happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
