the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
