I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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