Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
