Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
