I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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