his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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