everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
