I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
