My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
