Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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