Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize