$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
