You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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