i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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