What a fucking waste of an outfit
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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