Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
