this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
