I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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