I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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