i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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