Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
