I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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