He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
