Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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