I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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