i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
