if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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