whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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