Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
