he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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