On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
