Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
