it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The best revenge is premature balding
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I AM VODKA MAN
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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