the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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