So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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