Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
