apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
