you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
