Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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