Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
