his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize