You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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