im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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