I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
