we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize