my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
