You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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