I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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