I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
