after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
